Looking back at 2023. Understanding yourself as a founder
I don't want to be God's strongest soldier, I just want to be unconditionally loved
Another year. If someone offered to relive it—I would probably decline. The worst year for startups, the bottom of the crypto market, wars, issues in personal life. Feels like I truly lived only through its first half, and the second just lived out. Somehow, there's an expectation that things should change for the better in the new year. Maybe because the previous one didn't start on a high note either: didn’t close the round, the co-founder bailed, what to do and why was unclear, but somehow we gained momentum, and routine kicked in...
Disclaimer: I have no illusions that anyone finds the “evolution of my complex personality" interesting, but such posts help to introspect your personal experience and see reflections of your worries or come up with your own conclusions.
Seems like I just published my last year's resolution, and here I am, writing another one. The main observation is that the past ones proved their validity in practice, and I am ready to sign under each of them with renewed confidence:
- I improved my relationship with writing by changing what needed to be addressed; now, there's no one thing I can think about I’d want to change, it simply works.
- I significantly reduced the amount of information noise I deal with and started filtering what I give my attention to. No one died, and the business didn't go bankrupt, turns out it had been taking more than it had been giving.
- The topic of failing became even more important; I couldn't imagine how much more I would fall, and the ability to accept it, quietly get up, and move on became one of the superpowers that helped me get through this year.
Speculating how I became better or what new behavior I acquired would be more pleasant and easier, but this year I was curious to see what, on the contrary, disappeared or remained unchanged, as these things are more factual and authentic:
I slowly stopped looking at myself as the center of the universe. I noticed that I hadn't thought for a long time that life is "throwing something at me," and as a result, I stopped building expectations from life. I started perceiving life as an observer and accepting that it just happens. It doesn't mean that I've shied away from responsibility, on the contrary, amidst all this chaos, it became easier to see what I truly can affect and take full responsibility for it.
When life doesn't "prepare" anything specifically for you, you understand that important things simply won't happen if you don't actively take control.
I stopped believing in stability and started expecting only sure changes.
I stopped making short-term plans. It's funny how despite strategy and looking a few moves ahead are crucial in business, over the year, I completely moved away from it and started thinking only about goals and global direction (and keep thinking about them constantly), and what specific actions to take now. But I hardly ever try to predict where they will lead. Perhaps it's a developed mechanism of dealing with life's unpredictability and the constant risks we in startups have to take.
I lost the fear of failure. At first, failing is scary, but after a certain number of punches your skin thickens, and you start to perceive it as part of the process, which says nothing about you, and most importantly, which won't kill you. It's like anime characters discovering their immortality—it's still unpleasant to die again, but the risk appetite has already changed.
On the other hand, because I wanted to prove that I’m worth something as a CEO (yup, there was such a thing) I couldn’t fail without hurting my ego, and now, the strong achievements with Slise freed me from that.My bank showed me that I visited 11 countries, and I didn't even feel anything. Just as I still haven't gotten a driver's license and haven't found any casual hobbies. I haven’t started spending more, and stopped posting on social media trying to impress someone. So, I guess, it really doesn't matter to me, as it disappeared from the radar on its own, without any effort on my part.
I still haven't learned to enjoy simple things in life and be happy from within, not due to external factors. Although I often read about it and understand perfectly well that happiness is determined by my perception of the world and the ability to control my thinking (and I even know the distortions that nourish my bitterness), I have very, very negative thinking, and it seems it will take more than a year to change that.
Despite rational willingness, I haven't learned yet to approach the opinions of others with curiosity and an openness to absorb experiences different from mine. I don't know what's hindering me there: could be a new field where I needed to establish myself as an expert, the amount of rubbish in that field that is unbearable to listen to, or conflicting progress with p. 10.
And a couple of more traditional resolutions you must be sick of reading at this point:
I've become better at understanding what matters to me and which priorities I should focus on, regardless of how normal or abnormal they may seem to others (considering here my career, personal life, goals, and expectations).
I've learned more about what I don't like and what I don't want to do (thanks to a new business model and our retarded clients). It doesn’t sound like a conventional success, but I believe it's necessary for success in the future.
I've started to better respect myself, my beliefs, and started to value my time more. Now I bend and compromise less (both in my work and personal life) because I’ve seen enough times how it doesn’t lead to anything good. (There's still room for growth here, as some goals cannot be achieved otherwise.)
Also, I've become bolder in filtering out things I disagree with or don't want to deal with (crypto has vividly shown how many people live in illusions and try to pull you into them).
To me, it all comes down to confidence in your correctness and beliefs which naturally comes with experience, when you know what it's backed by and don't let others question it by the mere fact of having an opposing opinion.For the first time in over 5 years, I lived in one apartment for more than a year. I became more comfortable with attachment and began to appreciate what comes with it. Perhaps it’s due to fatigue, or just the accelerated pace of life.
I've thought a lot about my ambitions and dreams, and so far decided not to give up on them (more on this in the next episodes).
I've started to evaluate desires on the “pleasure VS happiness” scale. Learning to prioritize the latter is a long way to go, but such an assessment already helps resolve many internal dilemmas at the moments when I don't know whether I should control myself or let it go and enjoy.
Overall, my evolution over this year can be described as greater honesty with myself. Openness to my intuition and feelings, and less desire to fit in. It may sound wishy-washy, I know, but it seems to be a common trend of adulting.
Oscillations will keep throwing us around, but the gradient descent will inevitably converge to what remains of us when no one is looking.
Looks like a lot of lessons, "what a productive year!" you'll say. But honestly, fuck the lessons. Enough of lessons and challenges for me. I don't want to spend my whole life self-improving, like some AI. I want to enjoy it. Next year, I want to say, "Didn't understand a thing, and forgot what I knew, but damn it was awesome."
For now, it’s C+.
Subscribe to get an A next year, and share with friends who didn't learn anything despite you being the best counsellor in the world for them.
You can reply and tag me on Twitter—the only platform I will engage at.